New Year’s Resolution: Fail

When you hear mine, you’re probably going to say the same thing my sister said: “That’s a terrible idea…….oh, wait a minute. It’s a good idea!”

I am here to tell you that today, February 12, I am still at it; my resolution is still active. Here’s my New Year’s Resolution: I plan to fail at 50 things this year. That idea was born out of my fear of failure. I live in fear. Not fear of getting mugged, or getting in a car wreck, or getting fired; oh no, no, no. Fear of looking foolish. Fear of being awkward. Fear of that look on someone’s face that says: ‘You are not making sense, and you are kind of strange.’ And me having to explain myself, or backpedal, or shrink to invisibility.

Late last year, I stood on a figurative fence. No, I was not standing on the fence, I was peeking under it. On one side stood my self, unhappily single, lonely many many evenings, tired from working too hard, painfully shy. On the other side of that fence stood what I want to be: graceful, at-ease, full of energy, and unlonesome. Enter my plan. Voil-a. Stepping into the uncomfortable is the death of fear. I will deliberately fail at things, and they will no longer be scary, and I while I might not be graceful or at ease, those things that I face will no longer be behemoths. I have begun my list of failures; so far, it looks like this:

  • 1. Invite the kids over for dinner. NO FAIL. THEY CAME.
  • 1. Attempt to messageĀ estranged daughter and get a response from her. FAIL.
  • 2. Invite friends to my house every Friday for happy hour. NO FAIL. THEY CAME AND ENJOYED THEMSELVES!
  • 2. Feel awkward by going to a newish church. NO FAIL.
  • 2. Make connection with daughter by text. FAIL.
  • 3. Meet a nice Christian man online. FAIL.

So really, I’m only on #3. I might not make it to 50 this year. Here is a groovy side-effect: when I contemplate going to dance class, or walking into church late rather than staying home, or some other intimidating thing, I tell myself that if it doesn’t work out, I can write it on my list! It moves my thing from inaction to manifest! Yippee!

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